The Play Party

9-25-2011

Last night was a night that I had been looking forward to for sometime, the night of the play party. Derrick and I got there some two hours early and had much time to kill. I wondered if I would find someone to play with since Derrick had told me he wasn’t going to play but was going to go and talk to people and do some learning. This seemed OK to me because, as a solo and collared sub, I had been to parties with this group before and had no trouble getting a session. Last night was to prove to be way different, the highlight of my night was the bondage demo that happened in the first half hour of the party; after that it stagnated rapidly for me I could not find anyone who wanted to play so for most of the night I sat on the sidelines with my head down on my equipment bag and nearly in tears. Things got to the point that, towards the end of the night, I told one of the organizers that I was really doubting if I would return. As I said to him, why should I come and pay money to sit, get bored, and otherwise do what I can do at at home. For me last night can be summed up in three words ignored, rejected, and abandoned.

Ignored:
Nobody could be bothered to come and check on me to see what was wrong or how I was feeling. I sat in that chair with my head buried in my arms and my eyes on the verge of tears all night. It was obvious as hell that I was not being punished since I would get up, talk to who ever I wished and wander where ever I wished but for the most part I was ignored.

Rejected:
Play parties are an environment which is much easier on a single Dom than a single sub. Most of the people there were either paired off and would not play outside of the relationship or did not wish to play with me. I got the feeling that I was way down on EVERYBODIES list and did not stand a chance anyway. So I sat there watching others get flogged, spanked and what have you; inside I was getting more and more depressed and by that I knew that the night was going to be a washout for me. At one point in time last night I did go outside the hall, lean on Derrick's van and cry my eyes out after which I returned to my place and laid my head down again having given up any and all hope of having anything good happen.

Abandoned:
If there is a better word for the way I felt last night I have no idea what it is. Any time you go someplace with someone and find that you are kinda dumped off and left to your own devices that, to me, is abandonment. Given my, nearly morbid, fear of being abandoned it is not a good thing to do with me. Sure he came out and talked to me before I burst into tears, and sat inside with me for a few minutes and chatted but that was the extent of our interaction all night until sometime around 10:30pm he said shall we hit the road, frankly I was ready to leave much sooner than that. I am sure that some would say that I was not abandoned last night, frankly their opinion does not count. I was the one who was left on my own, who nobody wished to play with and few wanted to interact with, for what ever reason it triggered my abandonment fear and the longer it went on the worse things got to the point that I was thinking some very dark thoughts though I did not let on about it.