Abandonment

Everyone has some fear, some place where their mind goes when they don’t want it to. Over my life I have been abandoned by nearly everyone who meant anything to me, previous spouses, kids, Mistresses, slaves you name it. This has gone to the point where there really are only two people left on this earth who have proved they will stay with me no matter how dark my mind goes. One of them is the lovely woman whom I love deeply and whose collar I wear, the other is the man whom she has asked to be my protector locally.

I am in an LDR right now and cannot be with Mistress when I need to be, during those times when my mind goes black and all I want and need is someone close by to make sure that I’m ok and not on the verge of doing anything rash or stupid. I know part of the reason for most of those who, called themselves family, abandoning me was the fact I was diagnosed GID (Transsexual). Nearly to a person they walked or maybe ran from this freak in their midst. The last few years were spent in a dead marriage with a woman who I feel only wished that I would shrivel up and blow away.

For those who remained passed that point, I think I killed them off when I, still pre-op, came out as lesbian. I don’t know why this had that effect but it did. This began the hunt, which until quite recently, was a total failure. I went through more “friends” than enough, 5 owners in the last year and a bit and still I found myself depressed, lonely, and very much alone wondering if it was all worth it or if the world would care if I were not in it.  The woman I am now with came along, and likely saved my life in the process, she has been by my side no matter what. In my darkest days and hours she has spent time with me on Yahoo and in Skype just talking things out and emotionally backstopping me.

Where would I be with out her, likely dead and nobody caring. Id be just another trans-woman who could not take the loneliness of her path and decided there was only one way out of it and that was to take herself off the planet. There are still days that it seems that would be the best course but for some reason I don’t see the full reason to do so anymore. I know I have a wonderful Mistress and in that person also a lover and partner, the stress now is how to bring the distance from 3300 miles to the width of the living room. That is the dream I hold on to.

It is not a good idea to put me in any kind of situation where my fear of abandonment is going to be triggered. If I am placed in a situation where that happens and I state that I’m feeling abandoned or isolated the scene, session or punishment had better end NOW since if it doesn’t I can pretty much guarantee that you will destroy any trust I have in you and thereby kill any relationship. I don’t know if this fear is going to be life long but it has been taught to me over my 50+ years on the planet . In evidence of this is a piece of very dark verse I wrote some time ago called “Untitled”

Untitled

Look
but not too closely
what you see may not be real

Feel
but not too deeply
deep feelings can hurt

Trust
but not fully
full trust brings pain

Love
but only if you find one worthy
unworthy love is disaster

cry
for it cleanses the soul
well its supposed to

ache
for it reminds you you're alive

scream
for that is what it might take

trust none to be there for you
because when the chips are down
most won't be

That last verse is the telling one because that is how I end up feeling in my darkest moments. The feeling that the world has abandoned me and that I cant count on anyone to be there when I need them to be.

It is going to take lots of time, lots of love and lots of patience for Mistress and the others now around me to bring me out of that morass, that rut and to show me that there are some who actually do care and wont run just because of the way I am. Now I need to learn what it is to love, to laugh, to play and to simply have fun again. Those qualities have been missing from my life and I don’t know what they feel like. I have to learn to trust others, for if I don’t there can be nothing else beyond what I have now.