That was intense

I had one heck of an intense experience this morning; I woke up horny as heck for some reason and when several intense masturbating sessions didn’t alleviate it I decided to try something else. I went to my equipment bag and got out several clothes pins, well I put one on each nipple and two on each of the lower lips. This was a mistake for several reasons:

• I did not feel pain; quite the opposite it started to send me flying
• It did nothing to relieve my horniness, it only made matters worse·
• It left me frustrated because I dared not leave the pins on any longer for fear of going under with nobody to bring me back properly

All of this was a total shock because I thought I would feel some, or maybe a lot of, pain but aside from a bit where I put the first one on one of my nipples wrong it was not pain but a pleasant and intense feeling that overtook me. I have tried this before and it hurt like hell.

I guess I'm going to have to try that again and see if I can start stretching the time I can have them on before the endorphins kick in.

Does a Dom know

Does a Dom know
when a slave cries inside
Does a Dom know
when the slave is hurting

Does a Dom know
if he has helped cause this
does a Dom know
how to approach her

Does a Dom know
when a slave is lonely
Does a Dom know
when she dies inside

Does a Dom know
Does he care, she is not his
Does he know, should he care
she is not his, why should he care

The Play Party

9-25-2011

Last night was a night that I had been looking forward to for sometime, the night of the play party. Derrick and I got there some two hours early and had much time to kill. I wondered if I would find someone to play with since Derrick had told me he wasn’t going to play but was going to go and talk to people and do some learning. This seemed OK to me because, as a solo and collared sub, I had been to parties with this group before and had no trouble getting a session. Last night was to prove to be way different, the highlight of my night was the bondage demo that happened in the first half hour of the party; after that it stagnated rapidly for me I could not find anyone who wanted to play so for most of the night I sat on the sidelines with my head down on my equipment bag and nearly in tears. Things got to the point that, towards the end of the night, I told one of the organizers that I was really doubting if I would return. As I said to him, why should I come and pay money to sit, get bored, and otherwise do what I can do at at home. For me last night can be summed up in three words ignored, rejected, and abandoned.

Ignored:
Nobody could be bothered to come and check on me to see what was wrong or how I was feeling. I sat in that chair with my head buried in my arms and my eyes on the verge of tears all night. It was obvious as hell that I was not being punished since I would get up, talk to who ever I wished and wander where ever I wished but for the most part I was ignored.

Rejected:
Play parties are an environment which is much easier on a single Dom than a single sub. Most of the people there were either paired off and would not play outside of the relationship or did not wish to play with me. I got the feeling that I was way down on EVERYBODIES list and did not stand a chance anyway. So I sat there watching others get flogged, spanked and what have you; inside I was getting more and more depressed and by that I knew that the night was going to be a washout for me. At one point in time last night I did go outside the hall, lean on Derrick's van and cry my eyes out after which I returned to my place and laid my head down again having given up any and all hope of having anything good happen.

Abandoned:
If there is a better word for the way I felt last night I have no idea what it is. Any time you go someplace with someone and find that you are kinda dumped off and left to your own devices that, to me, is abandonment. Given my, nearly morbid, fear of being abandoned it is not a good thing to do with me. Sure he came out and talked to me before I burst into tears, and sat inside with me for a few minutes and chatted but that was the extent of our interaction all night until sometime around 10:30pm he said shall we hit the road, frankly I was ready to leave much sooner than that. I am sure that some would say that I was not abandoned last night, frankly their opinion does not count. I was the one who was left on my own, who nobody wished to play with and few wanted to interact with, for what ever reason it triggered my abandonment fear and the longer it went on the worse things got to the point that I was thinking some very dark thoughts though I did not let on about it.

Come Home

 

your heart may be weary
your soul might be tired
your trust is eroded
come home dear girl
 
you might be alone
you might be drifting
your neck it is bare
come home dear one
 
come home to the love
come home to the safety
come home to the security
follow my lamp
 
that lamp in the darkness
that one bout which you wondered
that one you thought belonged not
follow your heart
 
follow your heart
let your soul feel
feel the love, the trust
come to my feet little one
 
come to my feet
my hand it will guide you
follow your heart
come let me be your guide
 
arms which show love
arms which can punish
a safe place to learn
come lean on me
 
come lean on me
let me be your strength
though you may be weak
come to my arms
 
Dear Mistress she asked
how can I come home
mine I did loose
when the collar I lost
 
she is truly alone
the girl wonders how
this Mistress knows her
so well it does seem
 
Come home dear one
she's not heard that before
the Mistress she talks to
the title she deserves
 
at your feet may she kneel
she seeks only to serve
protection you offer
Mistress how'd you know
 
as each day it passed
her heart and her soul
knew something was growing
betwixt Mistress and slave
 
was this simply rebound
or was it much more
the slow boat she insisted
lets both walk this road
 
so now at her feet
in her lovely lap
any place she does choose
they are inseparable
 
at night in her chambers
in private she serves
preparing her bed
warming it too
 
she seeks no other
she needs no other
for finally she knows
she has indeed come home

Abandonment

Everyone has some fear, some place where their mind goes when they don’t want it to. Over my life I have been abandoned by nearly everyone who meant anything to me, previous spouses, kids, Mistresses, slaves you name it. This has gone to the point where there really are only two people left on this earth who have proved they will stay with me no matter how dark my mind goes. One of them is the lovely woman whom I love deeply and whose collar I wear, the other is the man whom she has asked to be my protector locally.

I am in an LDR right now and cannot be with Mistress when I need to be, during those times when my mind goes black and all I want and need is someone close by to make sure that I’m ok and not on the verge of doing anything rash or stupid. I know part of the reason for most of those who, called themselves family, abandoning me was the fact I was diagnosed GID (Transsexual). Nearly to a person they walked or maybe ran from this freak in their midst. The last few years were spent in a dead marriage with a woman who I feel only wished that I would shrivel up and blow away.

For those who remained passed that point, I think I killed them off when I, still pre-op, came out as lesbian. I don’t know why this had that effect but it did. This began the hunt, which until quite recently, was a total failure. I went through more “friends” than enough, 5 owners in the last year and a bit and still I found myself depressed, lonely, and very much alone wondering if it was all worth it or if the world would care if I were not in it.  The woman I am now with came along, and likely saved my life in the process, she has been by my side no matter what. In my darkest days and hours she has spent time with me on Yahoo and in Skype just talking things out and emotionally backstopping me.

Where would I be with out her, likely dead and nobody caring. Id be just another trans-woman who could not take the loneliness of her path and decided there was only one way out of it and that was to take herself off the planet. There are still days that it seems that would be the best course but for some reason I don’t see the full reason to do so anymore. I know I have a wonderful Mistress and in that person also a lover and partner, the stress now is how to bring the distance from 3300 miles to the width of the living room. That is the dream I hold on to.

It is not a good idea to put me in any kind of situation where my fear of abandonment is going to be triggered. If I am placed in a situation where that happens and I state that I’m feeling abandoned or isolated the scene, session or punishment had better end NOW since if it doesn’t I can pretty much guarantee that you will destroy any trust I have in you and thereby kill any relationship. I don’t know if this fear is going to be life long but it has been taught to me over my 50+ years on the planet . In evidence of this is a piece of very dark verse I wrote some time ago called “Untitled”

Untitled

Look
but not too closely
what you see may not be real

Feel
but not too deeply
deep feelings can hurt

Trust
but not fully
full trust brings pain

Love
but only if you find one worthy
unworthy love is disaster

cry
for it cleanses the soul
well its supposed to

ache
for it reminds you you're alive

scream
for that is what it might take

trust none to be there for you
because when the chips are down
most won't be

That last verse is the telling one because that is how I end up feeling in my darkest moments. The feeling that the world has abandoned me and that I cant count on anyone to be there when I need them to be.

It is going to take lots of time, lots of love and lots of patience for Mistress and the others now around me to bring me out of that morass, that rut and to show me that there are some who actually do care and wont run just because of the way I am. Now I need to learn what it is to love, to laugh, to play and to simply have fun again. Those qualities have been missing from my life and I don’t know what they feel like. I have to learn to trust others, for if I don’t there can be nothing else beyond what I have now.

Slavery, what is it to me?

Thousands and thousands of words have been written by those much more experienced in the world of M/s than I am. All of that information is good and valuable but, to me, it lacks the personal touch. I am anemone, collared slave of Lady Eire, and I have been trying to define my slavery in terms that make sense to me and make sense within the context of my relationship with Mistress.

Much has been made of the Power Exchange in BDSM relationships, but much of what has been said of that exchange does not feel right from my perspective. To me there is never a time where Lady Eire is not Mistress and I am not her slave. Yes even in the most vanilla of times it is there, for someone who knows what to look for, to see. It might be as simple as waiting for her to begin eating before I do, or maybe I open the doors for her, or any of a thousand other things.

So what is a slave, a slave is one who finds completion in total service to another person. For my heart I have to be in that situation where someone has that level of control over me; where I have said to them, verbally or otherwise, that should they desire to take it they have total control of me and what I am to do. In my way of thinking, this is not a power exchange it is more of an authority exchange where I have granted my choices to my owner and trust her not to abuse the privilege.

It takes significant trust to go this deep in one’s service to another person. You have to be sure that your Mistress is not going to take that authority you have granted her and abuse it. This comes to the point of, “you call yourself a slave but people cannot be owned” that is true that one cannot be owned in the fashion of chattel property although this is a “fantasy” that many slaves live under. We grant our freedom to the one whose collar we wear. Technically we do have the right to walk out of the relationship any time it does not work. Legally this is a right but practically it would take something egregious and  really abusive for a slave to do that since many of us would see it as an act of disobedience. Slavery is about obedience, about calm acceptance of what your owner desires and knowing that although she may seek your council she is not bound to act on it.

Many slaves are taught to be open books for their owners; this is done so that the owner can take the emotional pulse of their property at any time and know they are getting the truth.  However an unscrupulous owner can take this training and turn this training against the slave and use it not to help the slave grow and deepen their submission but to demean, belittle and destroy the slave and her emotional make up. This kind of owner cares nothing about helping the slave grow and is all about getting all he wants from her with out regard to anything else. Is there any way this can be guarded against, not likely since most Doms like this are accomplished liars and actors. If something happens that does not feel right and your Dom does not wish to listen to your feelings then you would have two choice it would seem. One would be to see if this was an aberration and move on with the relationship or if the offence was bad enough you have the grounds to leave. Leaving may not be easy but its better than all manner of abuse that could happen.

Thankfully most owners are reasonable people who seek only to find that one special person who will serve and respect them in the manner in which they expect to be served and respected.  Yes a slave may go through many owners before they find the one they fit with and who is similar in needs and wants. There is an other question that I hear often from my brothers and sisters; does the owner ever fall in love with their property? I can only speak from my own perspective and that answer would be yes. Mistress and I are deeply in love with each other but I never use it to try and top from the bottom and get my way when she has told me no.  We might be deeply in love with each other but she holds all of the aces, she is Mistress and I am slave that never changes.

To me a slave is one who is not only owned, but seeks to obey and to exceed expectations. They are always alert to ways to serve better, to anticipate better and to calmly accept what it is that their owner wishes of them. The slave can ask for clarification of orders, however in my books should not elaborate on an answer without specific permission to do so unless they have been told to speak freely.

I wish you well
anemone

What is a Slave

This is purely my opinion and my feelings on what it takes to be a slave, much of it applies in either a purely online environment, the LDR or in a 24/7 live-in arrangement. I write this as much to clarify things in my mind as to inform others of what, in my mind, a slave is and how a slave functions. I am a female slave who is owned and collared by my Mistress. Most of the information on the internet seems to be of a heterosexual nature; however I don't see any differences in how a slave approaches her day to day activities.

What is a slave?

A slave is one who is owned, how many times has that been tossed out by those in the BDSM and Gorean lifestyles? In my mind there is much more to it than that; the slave brings much to the table, the heart and need to serve, to please their owner and to be found pleasing by their owner. Those are drives that must come from inside the person.

I maintain that anyone can be taught what a slave does, but nobody can be taught to be a slave. What does this mean, you can teach someone to be attentive to others, to have a pleasant demeanour, to see to someone else’s needs ahead of their own, and the thousand and one other things that a slave does in the course of her day serving and being in service to her owner. None of those make a person a slave much less a good one, what you have done is made a servant. If that is what you want then fine you have what you need.

To be a slave is all that and more, much more. It is the need to serve something you don't feel complete if you are not doing. The drive that keeps you serving when you really wish your owner would just let you roll up in your spot and rest. The intense inner need to please your owner, this is not just sexually, not just when she declares it play time but please her by having her tea ready when she comes in from work, anticipating refills, anticipating other needs of hers. Is her laundry done, ironed, folded and hung the way she likes. Do you keep her house the way she expects (or better go that extra mile and exceed expectations); is her dinner ready when she wishes it to be? When dinner is served do you automatically sit and eat with her, or do you have rules that state that she will eat first and you will eat only after she has started or with her permission?

Do you talk out of turn; seek to control the conversation because it is the only thing you think you can control? I used to do that and believe me it got me into all kinds of hot water. Learning to let go, to be transparent with your feelings, to allow your owner to make you into what she needs you to be is one of the hardest things that a slave has to learn. Many of us were, and may be are, intensely private people and we do not give up that control easily. It is something I struggle with daily, keeping my responses to a minimum, asking for permission before going into detail on a point, asking myself if what I am going to say is simply noise or if it actually adds something to the conversation. If it is simply noise, an attempt to control the conversation, or worse a form of topping from the bottom, I am learning to resist just blurting it out and to think about what it is I am truly desiring to say and then respectfully asking if I may speak. I can, and have, been told that my comment is not welcome at that time, to which I simply reply “yes Mistress” then sit quietly. This is something that has taken me months to learn and to get this far, I will freely admit that I have much further to go in learning to be open, and be the book that she needs me to be when it comes to emotions but over time I am learning that as well.

We all speak of limits, both hard and soft, hard limits are those which are inviolate and the soft limits are ones your Dom can push. My limits, all about seven of them, are all the hard limits (cross these and I walk) type. My owner’s and thus my limits as well are:

· No kids in scenes,
· No animals,
· No scat,
· No vomit,
· No blood sports (this one is a double danger because I’m on thinners),
· Nothing that will put me or my partner in either jail or hospital.

As I have said to others all else is negotiable. Early on Mistress told me what my limits had to become; I have worked hard to get comfortable with the same ones she has. I used to have a laundry list of what I would not do, or might do but to really give up the control I had to back away from the control of the relationship that limits give.

In many ways it is the same with safe words between us. Right now we are in a long distance relationship with a definite eye to moving to real time sometime in the future. I currently have safe words but they are so I can stop a session if I am creeping too close to subspace. While there is nothing at all wrong with subspace, if your owner is not there to bring you back safely it can be dangerous. Once together where she will be there to help me back safely I know I will lose them but that is ok since, after 5 months with her, I trust her implicitly.

Somewhere in my reading I came across something that read (paraphrased), a submissive chooses service, but a slave chooses obedience. How does this make sense when there is service and obedience on both sides of the coin? To me it speaks to the level of commitment and the depth of the obedience. A sub may well seek some level of control over the way the relationship works using things like limits, safe words and other ways to maintain some form of freedom.

Often it has been said that the last voluntary thing a slave does is beg the collar from her owner and to a point that is true but since consensual slavery is not legal and binding there is an out even in that. A slave totally wraps her world around that of her owner, placing her owner first in all things. Can you do that, set your owner first in all things, and allow her to control all things? I’m not talking about becoming a mindless doormat to her, since that is the last thing that a Mistress wishes. There are going to be a million decisions that will need to be made, ones that you cannot ask how to do them. The trick becomes to know what your owner expects and how she expects things and make the decisions based on what you know she expects. When you set out to do a task, do you do it because you will get some satisfaction and pleasure from it or do you do it because you know your owner expects it to be done and in pleasing your owner you find your own pleasure? Is your first thought, this looks fun, I’m going to enjoy this or do you give your owner control and say do I do this because it will please my owner that I do it.

A slave is one who is owned; to that extent the common terminology is correct. We slaves thing of ourselves that way and learn that we come second behind our owner’s wants, needs, and desires. Yes, being owned, we are property and can be treated that way; however for the most part we are extremely valuable property. Our value is not measured in dollars and cents but in our service and the pleasure we bring. As a slave my pleasure is to know that what I do for my Mistress, on some level, brings her pleasure. In the LDR phase that we are in right now there is a limit to how I can be of assistance to her. Most of my service is simply being with her, hearing her out on issues, offering advice where I can and I am allowed to do so for now my service is primarily in the emotional support category. When the day comes that Mistress decides it is time to take the relationship to the next level there will be much more that I can and will do for her.

My Life

She is owned
she is property
her life proscribed by her owner.

Her behaviors trained to be pleasing,
body trained to serve.
Her life orbits her owner
attuned to her every desire|

the girl is a slave
on her neck the collar
on her thigh the kef
marked and owned

in this life she is happy
the one who owns her
her true Mistress
the one her soul has sought

yes, there have been others
but all hurt her
some she allowed to destroy her
some simply cared for themselves

between us there have been problems
yes the occasional pain
all have been solved, been healed
we are stronger for it

though between us much distance
it seems like none at all
for she is with you
heart, mind, and soul

though her body you own
she must keep it for you
since she cannot be there
where her heart is already

deeply in love
fully submitted
wholly owned
with her head on your feet in devotion
she is yours Mistress, fully and completely

The LDR, the hardest of relationships

  Why does a person get into this kind of relationship? One where the feelings run as deep, and the emotions as strongly as any face to face relationship is supposed to be and yet the couple may not be in the same state, country, or continent. The form of relationship where personal contact is limited to brief periods of a few weeks for visits.

The discussions might turn to full time and live in relationships but those days are, quite frequently, far away and they are discussed more as dreams than as concrete realities. It is the form of relationship where the pain and hurt runs as deeply as it can face to face yet you don’t have the warmth  and love of a special persons arms when you make up.

My last several relationships have all been LDRs and when the last one broke up I swore I would not get into another LDR, that I needed a real set of arms to hold me when things went wrong; where there was at most a couple of hundred miles between my lover and myself. History will show that it did not happen that way. I had been, online friends, with a lovely woman for a couple of years. One day, having been humiliated and tossed aside by a man, who I thought truly wanted me, she found me alone and crying. She scooped me to her lap and cuddled me and started asking what had happened. I had known this woman as a sub/slave, I had no idea until that day that she had a dominant side. It was her Mistress side that came out and was every bit as loving and tender as I needed her to be that day.

This still has not answered the question as to why social creatures like humans get into deep and powerful relationships with those we cannot touch. I know that there is no one answer that will fit every couple so this will have to be answered from my perspective. As I mentioned earlier I had sworn that I would not let myself into another LDR; so why did I? I think the answer is two fold loneliness and love.

I had just been humiliated and dumped by the 5th online “Dominant” in a row and I was very lonely and in my heart and soul I knew that the right person for me was out there. By this time I knew that she did not exist locally because the Mistresses were all either partnered or were straight. Being lesbian this did not work for me so I turned back online to try and fill the void. I also had learned that I would keep looking no matter how many times I was hurt, abused, humiliated, taken for granted and ignored. My heart and soul knew what I was seeking even if my mind could not rationalize the feeling.

After the breakup of a previous relationship I had posted a piece asking why I surrendered and submitted to one who was not worthy of my submission and surrender; another slave answered simply  that the heart wants what it wants and that as slaves we will keep trying, no matter the hurt, until we find the one who will take us and treat us right.

As social creatures we need the contact, both intimate and social, of others of our kind. The isolation imposed by a society of our own making is also the emotional death of many of us. We have lost the contact with those around us, the love and trust of the community has been lost so in our need, our desire for contact we reach across the miles through electronic media. This might explain the proliferation of dating services and other ways of drawing lonely and isolated people together.  Yet to my mind the strongest of relationships are still build among those who have simply been in the right place and the right time to bump into that one special person who completes them.

It has happened again, only this time it is so much deeper than any of the other relationships. This one is not predicated on BDSM, although that is a part of it, it is built on things that will move easily to RL when the time comes. First and foremost we are lovers, friends and partners and after that is the M/s stuff. We have both tried to build relationships where it was M/s only and nothing more, it did not work for either of us. We need a deeper and, to us, more meaningful connection than can be built on that alone. Why did I allow myself into this kind of relationship again simple it just happened.

The Adventures of Me: Pair of floggers for a twitter & blog follower

The Adventures of Me: Pair of floggers for a twitter & blog follower

Back to Blogging

 

The first thing you may notice is that my name and that of the blog have changed. Not only that but all of the old content is gone. To me this makes sense because I am in a new collar and needed to make a clean break with the relationship I had with Mistress Levana.

My new owner is a wonderful woman by the scene name of Lady Eire and yes we are in a long distance relationship. This one even longer than the last since Mistress is in New York State and I am still here on Vancouver Island. We are talking of visits and of eventual move ins but those take considerable planning due to the logistics imposed by distance.

In the real world, today is moving day; I leave the apartment that I have occupied for over a year and move out to share a house with a local Dom. He is well aware of my collar, my Owner and my restrictions; the nice thing is that Mistress has given him protector rights over me when we go to munches and play parties. It will be good to have someone who can make sure that this lil slave girl is not taken advantage of because her owner is not with her.

Today, and likely tomorrow, are going to be days of sore muscles and extreme tiredness but such is life. The place I am moving too is a wonderful, and quiet location called Sproat Lake, outside of Port Alberni. I spent the night before last there and the silence is going to take some getting used to since here in the city I am used to the sirens and all of the traffic noise. However to wake up and see the mist on the lake is wonderful and brings back so many memories of my parents cabin and how it felt to get out of Ottawa for a weekend of for the family vacation.

Right now, at the lake, I am borrowing someone else’s internet connection but on the thirteenth we get our own hooked up and will have proper high speed to play on the internet with. So for now I cannot use the video in Skype and I’m not sure about the audio since both can be bandwidth pigs so that form of contact with Mistress will have to wait till we get our own connection.

At least I don’t have to worry about being out of contact with Her. The first night I spent out there was minus internet and I had no way of telling her where I was or what I was doing. It hurt both of us badly since we are used to regular and long contact via IM and Skype. She admitted to me that she cried that night, and I told her that I did. Yes in all the best ways I am hopelessly devoted to her, but that is the way a slave should be.

There is more to our relationship than just Mistress and slave, we are also best friends, partners (in all senses of the word), lovers and so much more. The relationship is rooted in reality and is one that is being consciously worked on with an eye to going RL in the future. this is the time where all of the needed ground work is being laid. To complicate matters, or make them more fun depending how you think of it, both of us are soft switches. I have a soft Dominant side and she a soft slave side; every once in a while we will switch and I will top her for a while. Then there are the lovely times where she and I are simply partners and running a family in that context.

In case you haven't got the idea yet she and I are deeply in love with each other and with each other have found the full completion that we have been seeking for so long. For us both the pain of other relationships, lifestyle and other wise, is over as we tie our lives together and seek the path that is right for us.

That’s about all for now