Fire In The Sky

 

Sunset over Sproat Lake, Oct. 5, 2011
work is copyright by me and water marked

That was intense

I had one heck of an intense experience this morning; I woke up horny as heck for some reason and when several intense masturbating sessions didn’t alleviate it I decided to try something else. I went to my equipment bag and got out several clothes pins, well I put one on each nipple and two on each of the lower lips. This was a mistake for several reasons:

• I did not feel pain; quite the opposite it started to send me flying
• It did nothing to relieve my horniness, it only made matters worse·
• It left me frustrated because I dared not leave the pins on any longer for fear of going under with nobody to bring me back properly

All of this was a total shock because I thought I would feel some, or maybe a lot of, pain but aside from a bit where I put the first one on one of my nipples wrong it was not pain but a pleasant and intense feeling that overtook me. I have tried this before and it hurt like hell.

I guess I'm going to have to try that again and see if I can start stretching the time I can have them on before the endorphins kick in.

Does a Dom know

Does a Dom know
when a slave cries inside
Does a Dom know
when the slave is hurting

Does a Dom know
if he has helped cause this
does a Dom know
how to approach her

Does a Dom know
when a slave is lonely
Does a Dom know
when she dies inside

Does a Dom know
Does he care, she is not his
Does he know, should he care
she is not his, why should he care

The Play Party

9-25-2011

Last night was a night that I had been looking forward to for sometime, the night of the play party. Derrick and I got there some two hours early and had much time to kill. I wondered if I would find someone to play with since Derrick had told me he wasn’t going to play but was going to go and talk to people and do some learning. This seemed OK to me because, as a solo and collared sub, I had been to parties with this group before and had no trouble getting a session. Last night was to prove to be way different, the highlight of my night was the bondage demo that happened in the first half hour of the party; after that it stagnated rapidly for me I could not find anyone who wanted to play so for most of the night I sat on the sidelines with my head down on my equipment bag and nearly in tears. Things got to the point that, towards the end of the night, I told one of the organizers that I was really doubting if I would return. As I said to him, why should I come and pay money to sit, get bored, and otherwise do what I can do at at home. For me last night can be summed up in three words ignored, rejected, and abandoned.

Ignored:
Nobody could be bothered to come and check on me to see what was wrong or how I was feeling. I sat in that chair with my head buried in my arms and my eyes on the verge of tears all night. It was obvious as hell that I was not being punished since I would get up, talk to who ever I wished and wander where ever I wished but for the most part I was ignored.

Rejected:
Play parties are an environment which is much easier on a single Dom than a single sub. Most of the people there were either paired off and would not play outside of the relationship or did not wish to play with me. I got the feeling that I was way down on EVERYBODIES list and did not stand a chance anyway. So I sat there watching others get flogged, spanked and what have you; inside I was getting more and more depressed and by that I knew that the night was going to be a washout for me. At one point in time last night I did go outside the hall, lean on Derrick's van and cry my eyes out after which I returned to my place and laid my head down again having given up any and all hope of having anything good happen.

Abandoned:
If there is a better word for the way I felt last night I have no idea what it is. Any time you go someplace with someone and find that you are kinda dumped off and left to your own devices that, to me, is abandonment. Given my, nearly morbid, fear of being abandoned it is not a good thing to do with me. Sure he came out and talked to me before I burst into tears, and sat inside with me for a few minutes and chatted but that was the extent of our interaction all night until sometime around 10:30pm he said shall we hit the road, frankly I was ready to leave much sooner than that. I am sure that some would say that I was not abandoned last night, frankly their opinion does not count. I was the one who was left on my own, who nobody wished to play with and few wanted to interact with, for what ever reason it triggered my abandonment fear and the longer it went on the worse things got to the point that I was thinking some very dark thoughts though I did not let on about it.

Come Home

 

your heart may be weary
your soul might be tired
your trust is eroded
come home dear girl
 
you might be alone
you might be drifting
your neck it is bare
come home dear one
 
come home to the love
come home to the safety
come home to the security
follow my lamp
 
that lamp in the darkness
that one bout which you wondered
that one you thought belonged not
follow your heart
 
follow your heart
let your soul feel
feel the love, the trust
come to my feet little one
 
come to my feet
my hand it will guide you
follow your heart
come let me be your guide
 
arms which show love
arms which can punish
a safe place to learn
come lean on me
 
come lean on me
let me be your strength
though you may be weak
come to my arms
 
Dear Mistress she asked
how can I come home
mine I did loose
when the collar I lost
 
she is truly alone
the girl wonders how
this Mistress knows her
so well it does seem
 
Come home dear one
she's not heard that before
the Mistress she talks to
the title she deserves
 
at your feet may she kneel
she seeks only to serve
protection you offer
Mistress how'd you know
 
as each day it passed
her heart and her soul
knew something was growing
betwixt Mistress and slave
 
was this simply rebound
or was it much more
the slow boat she insisted
lets both walk this road
 
so now at her feet
in her lovely lap
any place she does choose
they are inseparable
 
at night in her chambers
in private she serves
preparing her bed
warming it too
 
she seeks no other
she needs no other
for finally she knows
she has indeed come home

Abandonment

Everyone has some fear, some place where their mind goes when they don’t want it to. Over my life I have been abandoned by nearly everyone who meant anything to me, previous spouses, kids, Mistresses, slaves you name it. This has gone to the point where there really are only two people left on this earth who have proved they will stay with me no matter how dark my mind goes. One of them is the lovely woman whom I love deeply and whose collar I wear, the other is the man whom she has asked to be my protector locally.

I am in an LDR right now and cannot be with Mistress when I need to be, during those times when my mind goes black and all I want and need is someone close by to make sure that I’m ok and not on the verge of doing anything rash or stupid. I know part of the reason for most of those who, called themselves family, abandoning me was the fact I was diagnosed GID (Transsexual). Nearly to a person they walked or maybe ran from this freak in their midst. The last few years were spent in a dead marriage with a woman who I feel only wished that I would shrivel up and blow away.

For those who remained passed that point, I think I killed them off when I, still pre-op, came out as lesbian. I don’t know why this had that effect but it did. This began the hunt, which until quite recently, was a total failure. I went through more “friends” than enough, 5 owners in the last year and a bit and still I found myself depressed, lonely, and very much alone wondering if it was all worth it or if the world would care if I were not in it.  The woman I am now with came along, and likely saved my life in the process, she has been by my side no matter what. In my darkest days and hours she has spent time with me on Yahoo and in Skype just talking things out and emotionally backstopping me.

Where would I be with out her, likely dead and nobody caring. Id be just another trans-woman who could not take the loneliness of her path and decided there was only one way out of it and that was to take herself off the planet. There are still days that it seems that would be the best course but for some reason I don’t see the full reason to do so anymore. I know I have a wonderful Mistress and in that person also a lover and partner, the stress now is how to bring the distance from 3300 miles to the width of the living room. That is the dream I hold on to.

It is not a good idea to put me in any kind of situation where my fear of abandonment is going to be triggered. If I am placed in a situation where that happens and I state that I’m feeling abandoned or isolated the scene, session or punishment had better end NOW since if it doesn’t I can pretty much guarantee that you will destroy any trust I have in you and thereby kill any relationship. I don’t know if this fear is going to be life long but it has been taught to me over my 50+ years on the planet . In evidence of this is a piece of very dark verse I wrote some time ago called “Untitled”

Untitled

Look
but not too closely
what you see may not be real

Feel
but not too deeply
deep feelings can hurt

Trust
but not fully
full trust brings pain

Love
but only if you find one worthy
unworthy love is disaster

cry
for it cleanses the soul
well its supposed to

ache
for it reminds you you're alive

scream
for that is what it might take

trust none to be there for you
because when the chips are down
most won't be

That last verse is the telling one because that is how I end up feeling in my darkest moments. The feeling that the world has abandoned me and that I cant count on anyone to be there when I need them to be.

It is going to take lots of time, lots of love and lots of patience for Mistress and the others now around me to bring me out of that morass, that rut and to show me that there are some who actually do care and wont run just because of the way I am. Now I need to learn what it is to love, to laugh, to play and to simply have fun again. Those qualities have been missing from my life and I don’t know what they feel like. I have to learn to trust others, for if I don’t there can be nothing else beyond what I have now.

Slavery, what is it to me?

Thousands and thousands of words have been written by those much more experienced in the world of M/s than I am. All of that information is good and valuable but, to me, it lacks the personal touch. I am anemone, collared slave of Lady Eire, and I have been trying to define my slavery in terms that make sense to me and make sense within the context of my relationship with Mistress.

Much has been made of the Power Exchange in BDSM relationships, but much of what has been said of that exchange does not feel right from my perspective. To me there is never a time where Lady Eire is not Mistress and I am not her slave. Yes even in the most vanilla of times it is there, for someone who knows what to look for, to see. It might be as simple as waiting for her to begin eating before I do, or maybe I open the doors for her, or any of a thousand other things.

So what is a slave, a slave is one who finds completion in total service to another person. For my heart I have to be in that situation where someone has that level of control over me; where I have said to them, verbally or otherwise, that should they desire to take it they have total control of me and what I am to do. In my way of thinking, this is not a power exchange it is more of an authority exchange where I have granted my choices to my owner and trust her not to abuse the privilege.

It takes significant trust to go this deep in one’s service to another person. You have to be sure that your Mistress is not going to take that authority you have granted her and abuse it. This comes to the point of, “you call yourself a slave but people cannot be owned” that is true that one cannot be owned in the fashion of chattel property although this is a “fantasy” that many slaves live under. We grant our freedom to the one whose collar we wear. Technically we do have the right to walk out of the relationship any time it does not work. Legally this is a right but practically it would take something egregious and  really abusive for a slave to do that since many of us would see it as an act of disobedience. Slavery is about obedience, about calm acceptance of what your owner desires and knowing that although she may seek your council she is not bound to act on it.

Many slaves are taught to be open books for their owners; this is done so that the owner can take the emotional pulse of their property at any time and know they are getting the truth.  However an unscrupulous owner can take this training and turn this training against the slave and use it not to help the slave grow and deepen their submission but to demean, belittle and destroy the slave and her emotional make up. This kind of owner cares nothing about helping the slave grow and is all about getting all he wants from her with out regard to anything else. Is there any way this can be guarded against, not likely since most Doms like this are accomplished liars and actors. If something happens that does not feel right and your Dom does not wish to listen to your feelings then you would have two choice it would seem. One would be to see if this was an aberration and move on with the relationship or if the offence was bad enough you have the grounds to leave. Leaving may not be easy but its better than all manner of abuse that could happen.

Thankfully most owners are reasonable people who seek only to find that one special person who will serve and respect them in the manner in which they expect to be served and respected.  Yes a slave may go through many owners before they find the one they fit with and who is similar in needs and wants. There is an other question that I hear often from my brothers and sisters; does the owner ever fall in love with their property? I can only speak from my own perspective and that answer would be yes. Mistress and I are deeply in love with each other but I never use it to try and top from the bottom and get my way when she has told me no.  We might be deeply in love with each other but she holds all of the aces, she is Mistress and I am slave that never changes.

To me a slave is one who is not only owned, but seeks to obey and to exceed expectations. They are always alert to ways to serve better, to anticipate better and to calmly accept what it is that their owner wishes of them. The slave can ask for clarification of orders, however in my books should not elaborate on an answer without specific permission to do so unless they have been told to speak freely.

I wish you well
anemone